Last Friday, October 12th, was World Arthritis Day...and I forgot about it until later in the day, after I taught my classes. Despite that, I posted a few things on Facebook about it, got a bunch of virtual hugs from my friends, and I know that I've educated at least some people I know since being diagnosed about rheumatoid arthritis. I also talk about it quite a bit in the microbiology class I'm teaching, considering some of the pathogen we discuss are possible triggers to arthritis, and taking some of my drugs (when I'm on them), classifies me as immune-compromised, so pathogens that may not affect them, can have adverse effects on me. It was all just in time for a flare to throw my weekend off.
Monday, October 15th, was Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. I didn't do anything for it, because many people I know still don't know about the miscarriage. It's still hard to get over, especially now that we are trying again, and every month turns into a waiting game. There's a small part of me that doesn't want to chance getting pregnant again and have to live through something like that again. I have the best support system of family and friends in the world, but I've never felt as broken as I did in the days following that ultrasound. I can't imagine going through it again. And I know that the benefits far outweigh the risks, because I know several people who have gone on and had healthy, happy families after losses like mine. But it still hurts. I have friends moving on with their lives - getting engaged, getting pregnant, having babies - and sometimes I just feel like we're just sitting here, stagnating, waiting for our lives to move on. I try so very hard to live in the moment, but between work and school, sometimes I wake up an wonder where the time has gone. It's been almost four months since I lost the baby, and yet sometimes it feels like it was just yesterday that I was walking through Target with my mom and she was buying a set of hooded towels, the first items bought, for my baby. A third of the year has passed and I feel like not much has changed since then, although my relationship with Dan has become stronger than it ever has been. If there is one good thing to take away from all of this, it's that I love my husband more than anyone on this planet, and between the two of us, we can make it through anything. I recognize that I am mildly depressed, but I find myself looking forward a little more each day. I'm developing stronger friendships with people that I've known for years and some of whom I've only known for a short time. And I am thankful for everything good that I have in my life.